Alright, my fellow job sufferers, since the article about my jobless money-making schemes garnered over 2000 views, which for my anonymous website is essentially “going viral”, let’s dive into some more job hunting, job avoidance, and job craziness content! People seek jobs all day long, some for years, but if you post a job that has one of the following things engulfed in it, no matter in what order or quantity? I ain’t applying even if it means spending the next few months curled up beneath the train station passage near my house.
Why? Life is too short to deal with managers who require “special” attention or treatment even before they hire you. Can’t write a proper job description? Close the doors. Can’t have a decent website? Go drive a taxi. Can’t respect boundaries and send me messages at 11 PM without a monetary contract between us? Or with a monetary contract between us? Why, Jasmine, why?
This article is therefore a celebration, to those of us heroes who don’t just fall into the trap of “too good to be true” job listings just because we’re not with a job at the moment. But enough jibber-jabber. This is not a job listing for Continental, after all… or is it? No, it is not. Let’s dive right into the seven turn-offs for why I will never apply to a job that deals with the upcoming “notions” ever in my life.
In this guide:
1. Creating An Account
If you need me to create an account just to be able to apply for your content creation job? Who do you think I am, really? Do you see creatives as these fairies who’re just hanging by the lotus pond, levitating and not having a single care in the world? Ready to just create accounts on fishy websites to get a minuscule chance at making $13 an hour and battling for it with Rashid from Islamabad? I am surely not going to do that, no matter what you promise in that job description.
2. Slow A$$ Website
So you want to hire me, and you can’t even afford a decent web hosting service? How am I supposed to work under these stressful conditions? I need to update your blog and other copy on this slow website, on a daily, probably. Ain’t no money in the world that can pay me for the pain slow website management is producing in my soul. That stuff is traumatic, you understand me? Please, don’t. I’d rather turn into a full-time magician than try my luck on your website. “Website”…
3. Artificial Sounding Job Proposal
If you “enhanced” your job proposal with the help of an AI, then I’m not interested. Especially if you’re hiring for a creative position. What the even, man?! So you are going to evaluate me on my creative skills, but you wrote the simplest of simpletons’ content, a job description, with a machine? How is that going to work? Especially when faced with a truly creative task? ChatGPT is not a human, so you asking it to evaluate my work because you can’t? Crazy! I’d rather have your job, and your salary, and you go sit on a b**ch somewhere. Enjoy the sun!
4. The LinkedIn Guru
If you are posting one guru-like thing on your feed per day, and I get the courage to check your profile out and see that, nope. Look, you can be Mickey Mouse himself from Disney, and offering me the CEO position for Disneyland Paris with my own castle stay included for the rest of my life inside the park. And free crêpes! I am not going to take it, simply because you’re more into posting “enlightening” content on the internet than you are into doing your actual job. I’ve had to deal with people like you, and guess what? Frustration, disease (mostly mental) and, worst of all, disappointment. Your offer is not cutting it, Fitzgerald. Of course, your name is Fitzgerald…
5. CV+Letter+ID+Interview Fee+My Healthy Kidney
This phase of you asking me for my resume and maybe a question or two (by the way, don’t call it “Easy Apply” if you are going to ask 145.981 questions after I click the “Easy Apply” button, because it’s nothing BUT “Easy Apply” in that case, you feel me?) is just a normal, unpretentious one.
If you are also asking me for a letter of intention (my intention is to get hired, sir, nothing else) ID, 50 tasks and 30 tests and 10 videos, as well as maybe my healthy kidney (his name is DeShawn), then no, this is not going to work. This is not even our first date, ok? So it should be nice and easy. We say hello, you look through my stuff, if you like it, you call me, if you don’t, I don’t want you to have my ID, my bank account and my organs for eternity and then for you to ghost me.
I’ve been ghosted by more “promising” future employers than women in my life. So no.
6. Oversharing
Look, I don’t need to know your company has a monthly meetup where employees go out and eat, get drunk and take 7 Ubers back to their houses. I am not into that. I am also not into having the need to know you have a kitchen at the office, a shower, 5 conference rooms (enough for your permanent staff of 12) and a lounge area. This is work, it’s not Magic Mountain, nobody goes there to lounge, chill and relax. We’re not commuting to the office for a Midwest Safery marathon… although that sounds great and I’ll totally do that tonight. You think you can attract me better by oversharing how great your office environment is? I don’t care, I’m coming there (if I need to!) to do my job. There’s no need to charm me; this is not Comic-Con.
7. Unrealistic Job Titles
Listen, I don’t care how many “manager” words my title is going to contain. I don’t care, honestly. I am not looking to climb corporate ladders at all. I have a weak right knee. I don’t care at all about your pompous, unrealistic job titles. I don’t need accolades. I want a decent income to fund my lifestyle, not be mad or depressed about it, help others out if and when I can, and be an all-around good human being. That’s with our without “Specialist” after my actual job title/role, you heard?
I have no idea why I’m so hood in this article, but just run with it, you know? It is what it flows, you see me homie?
Tips for an attractive job description?
Honesty.
I need this and that.
I can offer this and that.
Bingo Bango!
That’s it.
P.S.: While this has been a lot of fun to write, I do have to legally let you know that this is a pamphlet, and should be treated accordingly.
If you’re looking for some creative written content like the one above (even on a more serious note), shoot me an email and we’ll do some magic together.
